How to change your thoughts: I'm a Failure and Other Things We Say to Ourselves
One of the most common things we tell ourselves is that if we didn't do what we set out to do, then we failed. Perhaps it is a learned behaviour. Maybe someone you know said that to themselves or about you. It’s not uncommon to tell ourselves or other people, “I’m a failure.”
Are any of these things we say to ourselves familiar to you?
If I didn't cook every meal for my family today, I failed.
If I didn't get my three workouts in this week, I failed.
If I didn't submit what I had to by the deadline, I failed.
There is some wisdom in seeing your “incompletes” not as fails, but learning from them. If you know that you disappointed someone, you're more likely to not make the mistake again. If you know that you had to pay a fine because something was late, hopefully, you've learned not to do that next time.
But there are other times that we don't succeed in what we set out to do. Perhaps you find yourself in a broken relationship. Your finances are not nearly what you want them to be. You might need to close (or have already closed) the doors on your business. Sigh. These are tough things to live through.
It is very common that instead of focusing on failure as a one-off, we take on the behavior as an identity. Instead of brushing it off or learning from our mistakes, we describe ourselves as failures. Don’t get me wrong; there is a big difference between missing the bus and having your house foreclosed on. The similarity lies in how we speak to ourselves about our circumstances.
Other feelings or descriptions may include how our circumstances have impacted our lives and others around us. We may think we are a disappointment, lacking abilities or value. It’s easy to spiral into a rabbit hole of dark, sad emotions. The danger lies in believing those emotions to be true and holding them as absolute. How can we avoid this? We need to take time to grieve the loss before we transition to the next chapter.
If we continue to focus on our failures, we will continue the dialogue. We will only see what we're not doing right. And whatever we focus our energy on, grows. What we need to do instead is focus on our successes to keep our spirits high, and look at our next action steps to keep moving forward.
I remember sharing the big news of launching my blog. I called the 10 closest people to me and shared the news. One after another, they celebrated with me. “That’s exciting!” “Congratulations!” “Will you take me on vacation with you when you’re making the big bucks?”
And one person said, “Well, good luck with that.” And proceeded to tell me why I wouldn’t succeed and how they didn’t support this “kind” of business.
I was crushed. All the joy and excitement from my closest loved ones tanked. All the support I knew I had, was suddenly insignificant. My brain started to pull back from the excitement of doing something new. I went into the familiar sad feelings of failure. I no longer felt worthy of the dream I had spent months and hundreds of dollars investing in. I guess I don’t really need to do this, I thought. It’s only a small waste of time and money if I give up now.
Let’s read that again. Nine out of the ten people praised and celebrated with me. Only one person responded with negativity and skepticism. And I chose to focus on the one. Notice how I take full responsibility and admit that I chose what I focussed on. This is a new language for me. My whole life, I have had heartbreak and responded with “You made me feel…” But the truth that I’m learning is, no one can make you feel anything.
How do we change our perspective to grow our confidence and belief in success? It starts with small changes.
The next time you start to doubt yourself or your abilities, take a moment and remember your accomplishments. What are you really proud of? What do people compliment you on? What have you achieved in your lifetime? Have you established a habit that you're proud of?
I bet you have loads of accomplishments that you can't even think of.
In the short term, take time to reflect on the events of your day. You could do this by journaling, or closing your eyes and just replaying the events. Do it without criticizing yourself, or judging your actions. Absorb what went well, and what you'd like to do better should the events occur again in the future.
And sometimes the day is so busy or overwhelming or frustrating. Make yourself an herbal tea at the end of the day and remind yourself of one of my favourite quotes:
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.” Lucy Maud Montgomery
Reading this blog may give you a glimmer of hope in your circumstances and when you’re ready, you can move forward.
If you’re ready, take that first step and book a no-obligation call! CLICK HERE
